Morning, newspaper

On Saturday morning I woke up quite early and decided to spend some time in the sunshine. I made myself a cup of tea and took it out with me in the bamboo cup I normally use for takeaway coffee. Similarly to the day prior, it felt like spring outside – by 10:30 am the sun had already warmed the air and the light breeze that accompanied the quiet morning was fresh, though not chilly.

I set off towards Admiralsbrücke, wanting to loop over the bridge before heading down the canal in the direction of Neukölln. As I strolled slowly, I realised how rarely I get to enjoy this beautiful part of the day – the air is warm yet crisp and the restfully vibrant sense of a new day envelops everything. Filled with breath, I reached the bridge to find a very old lady selling newspapers at its southern tip. Life in Bulgaria has taught me how commonplace it can be for such activity to arise of desperate necessity, and seeing poverty afflict the elderly, particularly elderly women, always spurs a pressing desire to help.

I picked out the latest Die Zeit, which the lady folded for me with utmost care as she wiggled and played with her dentures, revealing a completely bare upper gum. I was happy to relieve the look of despair on her face at the €50 note I initially produced by collecting the necessary €5.50 in coins. I passed the metal money to her as we both took care to not brush each other’s skin. I couldn’t help but smile at the gentle simplicity of this exchange. Not only could I not remember when, if ever, I last bought a newspaper, but the entire interaction on this famous Berlin bridge felt like a surreal glimpse into a time past slowly yet decisively resurrecting into the present. The quiet morning, the lack of people on the street and the unusual vendor all felt like they do not belong to the reality of a 21st century metropolis, and yet are making a stance for the transformed world that might emerge after the pandemic. As I walked away smiling, neatly-folded newspaper under one arm and a bamboo cup full of hot Sideritis tea in the other, I noticed another woman approach the elderly newspaper vendor for her very own read of choice.

All of this filled me with joy. It felt like a sign pointing brightly to the immeasurable beauty of the simplicity that lies so close to each and every one of us. It felt like an affirmation to the idea that infinite detail lies in the most mundane and that we do not need to cross seas or own the world to find happiness in its appreciation. The beauty of a morning, whether in Berlin, Sofia or Mumbai, is gorgeous as it is. It is not its novelty that makes it so, neither the fact it is larger, faster or stronger in any one of these places. Rather, it is its natural state of morningness, in whichever form if may appear, that breathes life into the beholder. It took the slowness and sparseness imposed by a virus, alongside the grin of an elderly lady with no teeth receiving €5.50 from me, to make me feel, in my whole being, that all is complete without needing to strive for it to be so.

The practice of yielding

After he died I could never trust the void because in her depths lay the ripping pain and loss that would always overpower me. So, I held on tight, never permitting myself to let go lest I fall into her.

Now, I discover that grief is not all that lives in her murky misty depths. Serendipity, magic or coincidence, call it what you will – all of it resides within her. And as you release to her she blossoms and weaves within you.

She offers surprises enveloped in clarity, awarding the patience that always eluded me. Feeling her is knowing myself and releasing to the path that can finally take me.

 

‘Once, I had great sadness
buried deep inside.
I invited it to come out and play.
I wept oceans. My tear ducts ran dry.
And I found joy right there.
Right at the core of my sorrow.
It was heartbreak that taught me how to love.’

~ excerpt from Jeff Foster’s How I Became a Warrior, brought into my life by newly-found healer, teacher, shaman Liina Tael 

Deeper / Slower / Deeper

Diving deeper,

(slower),

deeper

to the core, that feeling core

that carries within the indescribable.

That indescribable that is all,

all to me and perhaps nothing to you.


No matter, for it is mine, solely mine

giving the essence of what

I refer to as me.

It is as it is,

indescribable and unfathomable,

formless, ubiquitous,

reminding me, each moment

that I live and breathe and move.


Diving deeper,

(slower),

deeper.

Unearthing there what is truly mine

with no need to define or defend it,

no need to explain it or grasp it,

merely letting it be, as it is,

and permitting it to remind me

that life is vast, bold yet soft,

and to show me how my mind

(its restless grinding and churning)

clouds what flows there inside

deeper, slower and truer.


Vision / Heart

Engulfed by a vision

She listens through heart,

Not to longings self-nurtured,

But a truth which imparts.


Swirling in presence,

She embodies the knowledge in whole

A sense felt through vastness,

Rooted in past and in future to grow.


Breathing, it opens and curls,

As she lies here in patience, seeing it swirl

Unsurprised to receive what she long might suspect

Knowing all is

and not a drop less.




Touch me deeply and change me today, forever

Once upon that time with ease you flowed to me,

On you eyes I laid and soaked

what truths your soothing voice

in essence pure conveyed.


Paths again may never cross,

but this to you I wish to say,

your faith in what the mind may choose,

planted courage in life’s way.


In your words I found freedom,

In your arms I found hope.

In your silence I suffered.

In your absence I thought.


Since, partitions have shattered

and rays through so beautifully shine,

as purpose in liberty forcelessly grows

and strength in your words forever shall lie.



Rain / Deliverance

The rain of today

brings winds before of yesterday

and where the sun tomorrow may lie

strikes but a moment

as your touch upon mine

seldom in future and past may lay.


Tomorrow may shine on yesterday’s flurry,

but, embrace me, love!

Drink me, never but today forever,

those temporal torrents diluting

as through you I flow

and in us deliverance sustain.